Tamás

 Who'll save him from being a man?

I like that street cause I can feel the leaves from the bushes on the curb. Just like when I was a boy, I run one of my hands all over them as I walk. Mind you, I was not as high as I am now on weed. I was high on life, though. Fearful like a squirrel in between of all those people. I'm still afraid, but for different reasons all together. Life seemed, well, larger than my known world. Today I fear how much I got left and how fast I keep living. Igniting myself at the slightest provocation. Seemingly attempting to intoxicate my surroundings and eventually burn out. It is not myself if I am not ablaze, I reckon. Out of control day in, day out. Spewing existential threads of thought.

This is why I want to test if someone can slow me down. I am running out of fuel. I can see the goal right ahead, but nothing is holding me by the hand. All I grab gets pulled with me and starts combusting rapidly. If it won't burn, I won't be working. My relationships, my family, my sex, my addictions, this text...

I am drunk in emotion, seeing how the roof above and walls around begin to crumble. Existence is a blur, everyone's shouts chirping in the distance. If I were only to trip, topple and stop to feel the sun. If it were the rays bathing, the insects walking on me, the grass and herbs dancing to the beat of my swollen heart. I could hear the waves calling me home deafeningly, asking me to ride on a white horse. Kidnapping for me to drown in the horizon.

La La

 Te soñé entre luciérnagas una noche de verano. Menguante luna, cómplice silencio. Rasgando mis ropas, encontrando mi sexo. Ardiente unísono. Te soñé leyendo al pie de un árbol. Borges, taoísmo, una biografía de Nabokov, qué sé yo... Radiante al sol. Con las hojas de pasto atropellándose unas a las otras por alcanzar los dedos de tus pies. Absorta en soledad.

Mi nombre me fue dado así un día pudieras susurrarlo en mi oído. Porque la cascada de momentos que ha sido esta vida cobra sentido cuando tú me descubres cualquier día de verano. Soy porque soy porque soy contigo. Sin alegorías exageradas o aliteraciones flojas. Soy como soy cuando soy contigo. Buscando alcanzarte aunque no corras.

Quiero rozar tus pechos con el viento. Besarte con temor. Morderte en demasía. Aunarte con el cielo. Probarte ciegamente y amarte con hartazgo. Existir incompletamente y atarme a ti.

Soñé luciérnagas una noche de verano. Iluminando mi rostro. Reflejándose en la oscuridad infinitamente.

La

A merced del viento.

Pastos susurrantes.

Tú y yo descalzos.

A walk nowhere

 Hit me. Hit me hard. As fast as you might. I won't mind how hard. Be the one you want. And hit me hard. I'm iron. Cold and clad. Drive me far. And let me to rot. I'll find my way. Back to you perhaps. So you make your choice. Will you rip me naked? Leaving marks across. Wear my hide as you please. And haunt me for sport. Dry me, dry me, dry me. And hit me hard as you might. Words are overrated. You can keep your eyes closed. I can be gentle. Or I can start to roar. You should only sigh. Or should too begin to roar. I am only an animal. In heat and despair. Hit me, hit me hard. Be the one you want. I'll find back my way. Running, running after you. Going for the neck.

And I want you.

Every night right in my bed.

Legs open.

Waiting for me to start the commotion.

Thursday

 If you touch me

Well, I just think I'll scream

It had been 10 months since the last event.

It had been 12 years since I felt this way. So defeated. At someone's mercy. Yearning. Yearning. Full of ups and downs.

I aim at exploding inside you. Atomically. Anatomically.

Your touch is remedy. For this distemper. If I were to run to you. Naked. Careless. Throbbing like a star.

Pulsating at 200 beats per minute. Smelling you in my clothes.

I want you. Fuck, do I want you. Supernova me in your eyes. I am all no one ever was, can you see that?

It had been 12 years since I last felt like a soul. Weightless. Levitating. Grab me by the leg before I float astray. Cause what I need I get simply staying right by you.

I'll mouth Whitman in your ear. I'll run myself over your skin. And we'll be one if only for a moment. The universe a simple blur.

I will make you breakfast and hum you a song. The one you choose. And nothing else will matter. If only for a moment.

You'll go home and I will too. So you can miss me and want to do this over and over.

It had been 12 years since I last crawled. Do me. Do me. Do me. To the beat of any song.

Grab me by the head. Pull me ever closer. Have me be a one. The one. The one that's next to you while the world collapses.

 It is hard for me to stop believing I know better...

It is easy for me to lie and tell myself that I don't...

Warmth

 The alarm from the phone went off. "Is this love. Feeling blasted. In such a way. A-blasting, a-blasting. My heart in shreds..." I had three cigarettes for supper last night. How did I not expect to feel hot and have nightmares... Bad habits of old. "I've been waiting, I've been waiting!" The silliest thoughts crossed my mind. Not even the cold air from the fan and a long-ass podcast helped. "I don't think I'm even interested no more" And here I go again. Smoke forming clouds of rain. Cold sandwiches laying on the table. I should have bought an extra bottle of wine for this type of occasion, right? Who cares what I have for breakfast... My mum, for that matter. It is a workday, but mints would do. ”I burst in flames when I'm far away. Looking for signs of love" I don't want to shower either, but sleeping in that warm quilt gave me a stink for sure. Fuck the gym and its friendly faces. "How are you this morning? Don't you feel rested and shiny on this blessed day?" I masturbate and reach an orgasm, but it is empty. Who says you can't smoke in the shower? I turn up the music and dance. All I can do is dance. The weather is cold, but I put on bermuda shorts and a tee. The receptionist will ask me if I am alright, if I'm not cold for sure. That is all I need, superfluous interest from anyone. I'm not supposed to eat on the train, but I nibble on one of the sandwiches once in a while. I feel alive, savvy, but at what cost. No song would distract me. If I open my eyes, if I look out the window, I cannot avoid shivering. If I close them, all I can hear is the last noises you made, still for me to hear on my phone. "Don't you get me wrong, don't you get me wrong now..." If there is no rain this afternoon, I can go to the park near my office and take a bench to nap. I do not feel broken, which is worse. I very well knew what was to happen. Yet... "You took the world by surprise, and set it all on fire" I'm such a prodigy at this job I can do it on automatic. 'Yeah, sure, let me take a look!' 'No worries. You should see the changes now.' Time is child's play when you are in pain. My boss greets me and says I should be ready to rock after a well-deserved rest. He has no idea. I'm not into the habit of sharing, so I nod and smile. I don't believe he can tell a sad smile from a good one. When I feel this numb and shitty, I find relief in going to bed and dreaming, wishing for time to zoom by, hoping for these thoughts to eventually wash away. I am so terrified it won't work tonight. This cheap white wine I bought on my way home will do. It won't be be as strong as to make me drunk and want to puke, but will suffice to alleviate it all. I don't even change into my sleeping clothes. I play Debussy and set the fan to 5. I lay down and pray for sleep and dreams I've never had. I pray for your warmth.