Warmth

 The alarm from the phone went off. "Is this love. Feeling blasted. In such a way. A-blasting, a-blasting. My heart in shreds..." I had three cigarettes for supper last night. How did I not expect to feel hot and have nightmares... Bad habits of old. "I've been waiting, I've been waiting!" The silliest thoughts crossed my mind. Not even the cold air from the fan and a long-ass podcast helped. "I don't think I'm even interested no more" And here I go again. Smoke forming clouds of rain. Cold sandwiches laying on the table. I should have bought an extra bottle of wine for this type of occasion, right? Who cares what I have for breakfast... My mum, for that matter. It is a workday, but mints would do. ”I burst in flames when I'm far away. Looking for signs of love" I don't want to shower either, but sleeping in that warm quilt gave me a stink for sure. Fuck the gym and its friendly faces. "How are you this morning? Don't you feel rested and shiny on this blessed day?" I masturbate and reach an orgasm, but it is empty. Who says you can't smoke in the shower? I turn up the music and dance. All I can do is dance. The weather is cold, but I put on bermuda shorts and a tee. The receptionist will ask me if I am alright, if I'm not cold for sure. That is all I need, superfluous interest from anyone. I'm not supposed to eat on the train, but I nibble on one of the sandwiches once in a while. I feel alive, savvy, but at what cost. No song would distract me. If I open my eyes, if I look out the window, I cannot avoid shivering. If I close them, all I can hear is the last noises you made, still for me to hear on my phone. "Don't you get me wrong, don't you get me wrong now..." If there is no rain this afternoon, I can go to the park near my office and take a bench to nap. I do not feel broken, which is worse. I very well knew what was to happen. Yet... "You took the world by surprise, and set it all on fire" I'm such a prodigy at this job I can do it on automatic. 'Yeah, sure, let me take a look!' 'No worries. You should see the changes now.' Time is child's play when you are in pain. My boss greets me and says I should be ready to rock after a well-deserved rest. He has no idea. I'm not into the habit of sharing, so I nod and smile. I don't believe he can tell a sad smile from a good one. When I feel this numb and shitty, I find relief in going to bed and dreaming, wishing for time to zoom by, hoping for these thoughts to eventually wash away. I am so terrified it won't work tonight. This cheap white wine I bought on my way home will do. It won't be be as strong as to make me drunk and want to puke, but will suffice to alleviate it all. I don't even change into my sleeping clothes. I play Debussy and set the fan to 5. I lay down and pray for sleep and dreams I've never had. I pray for your warmth.